Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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