Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize