If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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