just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
