shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize