I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
