he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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