She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
