R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
