i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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