i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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