my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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