Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
