dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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