I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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