I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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