She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
