I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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