She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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