It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
