u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
