bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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