so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
