ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
3pm strippers are depressing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
