Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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