you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
