I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
