I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
