so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize