Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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