wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
