Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
