I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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