Define "chronic" masturbator.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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