she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
