don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize