he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
