My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
