I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
