I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
