2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
