im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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