I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
