I just saw a hot homeless man
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
