A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
40s are totally the cure
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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