I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
