I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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