and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
