1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
