3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she told me i tasted like america
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
