I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Shame - the story of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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