I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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