My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
