your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
