we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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