omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
