So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
