You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
