you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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