You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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