I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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