Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
