I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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