You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
