I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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