I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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