That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
