Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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